drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
