He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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