vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
