someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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