the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I need a beard to bite.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
