Your face is a jimmy john
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
