Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize