I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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