it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
