Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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