I want to have your abortion
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
You're like the curious george of whores
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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