Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
