dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
