If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
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Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
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