I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
