Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Randomize
