Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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