I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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