I think I just saw someone hide a body.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
