drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
