Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
