3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
