I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
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Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
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you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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