worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
