Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
