I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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