She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Randomize
