just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
