im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I came so hard my ears popped.
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