Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
