between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
He better not be in your backpack
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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