I love black thongs
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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