Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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