as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
