She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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