Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
