Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
