you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
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