I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
