I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
