hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize