I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
