You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
