wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
