i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
