totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
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Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
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Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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