I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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