I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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