My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
