just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
