I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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