Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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