and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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