This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
