Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
