Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
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She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
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I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize