so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
