Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
