There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
