I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
we're making bets on your personal life
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
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She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
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Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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