Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
