I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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